and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
