Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
