Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
