I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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