I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
