I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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