a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
