I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
