shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
