i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
