ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
