I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
