But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize