saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
