How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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