I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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