If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
