I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
