there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Still dying that you shit outside
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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