Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
