WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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