dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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