There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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