Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
