just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
