So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
