You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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