Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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