Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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