drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
