Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
