yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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