Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
