there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
