He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
