Got a toothbrush?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
