Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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