I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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