I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
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when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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