so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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