Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
