i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
