So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
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Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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