i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
