upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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