So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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