I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
