I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
should my penis look like a turkey
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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