I just gift wrapped bread.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
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What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
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Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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