So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
