how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
