my phone needs a breathalizer
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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