Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
