I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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