I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My dick has a subreddit
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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