I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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