at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
