I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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