I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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