You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
